We have a new feature here at Newsicorn–Cage Match.

We figure with the success of the Mad Max reboot and BattleBots on network TV, and our ongoing drama of the political season, we just had to bring you our take on hypothetical battles in the world around us–political, in pop culture, or elsewhere.

Our goals are to inform and speculate and engage you, our readers, in the process.  Please add your comments and let us know if you agree or disagree with our conclusions and predictions.  Of course, if these Cage Matches ever occur in the real world, we will be able to see how accurate our predictions have been.

Without further ado, we bring you Cage Match #1:  Donald “The Capitalist Crusader” Trump vs. Bernie “Super Socialist” Sanders.

Donald Trump

A photo posted by Justin Hart (@justinmhart) on

Bernie Sanders

A photo posted by Justin Diller (@dillerj) on

Here is how one group of progressives tees up the match. Ouch.

A photo posted by feministvoice (@feministvoice) on

But we need data.  Let’s get informed.

Donald Trump

Born Donald John Trump
June 14, 1946 (age 69)
Queens, New York City
Alma mater Fordham University (transferred)
University of Pennsylvania
Years active 1968–present
Salary $250 million[3][4]
Net worth Decrease US$2.9 billion (July 2015)[5]
Political party Republican (Before 1999; 2009–11; 2012–present)
Reform Party (1999–2001)[6]
Democratic (2001–09)[7]
Independent (2011–12)[8]
Religion Presbyterianism[9]
Spouse(s) Ivana Zelníčková (1977–92)
Marla Maples (1993–99)
Melania Knauss (2005–present)
Children Donald Jr., Ivanka, Eric, Tiffany, and Barron

He says he’s worth $10 billion so we guess he’s rounding up.  Heh.

And now Bernie Sanders:

Born Bernard Sanders
September 8, 1941 (age 73)
Brooklyn, New York, U.S.
Nationality American
Political party Independent (caucuses with theDemocratic Party)
Other political
Liberty Union (1971–1979)
Vermont Progressive(affiliated)[1]
Spouse(s) Deborah Shiling (1964–1966)
Jane (O’Meara) Driscoll (1988–present)[2]
Children Levi (with Susan Mott)
3 stepchildren
Alma mater University of Chicago
Religion Jewish[3][4]

He would be the first socialist President (well, since Woodrow Wilson) and the first Jewish President (that we know of).

A photo posted by Ron Devito (@us4palin) on

Donald = Rich and outspoken. Timeless?

Bernie = Not rich but outspoken.  If he were rich, he’d have to share it with everyone around him.  Old.

Donald = bane of Republican establishment, possible secret Hillary plant, or merged reincarnation of Ronald Reagan and P.T. Barnum

Bernie = bane of Hillary Clinton and like Trump a “is he for real?” candidate

And the winner is…

A photo posted by Ron Devito (@us4palin) on

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  1. […] We provided the background details on Donald Trump in our first Cage Match article. […]

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